Seven Years Ago

The sounds of a shamisen filled the temple and floated out through the open doors and into the mountains. I breathed in easily, held it and breathed out. The twinge in my legs breaking my concentration. I tried to stop myself from reaching down and massaging them but I couldn’t help it, same as I had not been able to stop for the past 3 years since Valkyr had worked his own brand of magic.

Sure, I was healed physically as if nothing had happened but as he had explained that the damage had shattered my shin bones so badly that he had to actually remove chunks of bones and muscle. I was no longer the man I was, I was shorter and no longer fit the proportions of my body. My mind was unable to accept this fact and generated phantom pain for me.

I tried to regain my calm listening to the shamisen. It was gone. Thinking of Valkyr distracted me as I eagerly awaiting his arrival. He said he was coming to visit months ago. My time in the temple was not what I had expected. I had left the city years ago, too many memories that were not mine, too many terrors. Too many ghosts walking the streets in my skin, wearing my face. When Valkyr had told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to leave or die, I knew in my heart he was right. I had finally reached the point where I was able to reach out and accept the help that was being offered to me.

It had taken more courage than I would ever admit.

I had spent month’s drinking and smoking myself to oblivion. Even spending time with Valkyr back then was partly because I enjoyed his company but also because it enabled me to continue my self destruction. The House of Levi and the escape with the Watcher adding to the list of attempted suicide. The Watcher had no reason to save me, I had not asked or promised anything. He had done it himself with no expectations. He had seen a Levi and helped them. Something I could never consider.

When Valkyr had found my broken body and mind in that wheelchair in the alleyway he had not asked questions. He took me gently, carefully and exposed his secret. He had embraced his hated side and healed me. Even after that, the very next day I remember pulling a pint and lifting it to my lips. I had fought the pint down that time. I had won that battle.

I would not have won the next one if I had stayed. Valkyr had again offered his love and support, telling me exactly what I knew but was too afraid to admit. That I had not been living, only dying slowly. In the time since I have thought about that night again and again, I now know that if I had not accepted Valkyr’s help then that would have been the last time I would have ever seen him. He could not watch me kill myself any more. I must have known it then too, somehow, it was my last chance to accept.

So I had.

I had taken my pathetic life savings from the job, my sad little bag and said goodbye to Valkyr. His friend, if that was their relationship, Lightning had waited for me and Valkyr to say our goodbyes. I remember the pain and awkwardness, the two of us standing in the Skin Drum. A private oasis where we had shared so much and still not enough. I was not sure I would ever see him again. Valkyr had not told me much of where he was sending me. I remember how lonely he looked and yet proud at the same time. He tried to shake my hand but I had pulled him in for a hug. How tense his body was, of him holding back.

So was I.

I was terrified.

Finally we parted and I took Lightning’s hand.

I was holding Lightning’s hand but staring at Valkyr. Next thing I was looking at was the front of this monastery. I had headed off into the world. I had escaped. I found out later that I was in south Hokkaido, it was one of the rare spots in the world were the whole land had survived the Super outbreak intact and was under protection of a Super, The Rooted Kami. No one had even seen him but he controlled the entire island, he could touch every part of it.

He didn’t stop normal crime, no. Just stopped Super’s from trying to muscle into his area so instead the old Yakuza clans had grown stronger and still held sway here.

The wind off the mountains carried a hint of lilac from somewhere and broke through my memories. My Mission was always in the back of my mind, gnawing away at my thoughts. I tried to refocus on my meditation. Since coming to the temple Sensei had been trying to guide me. He was an old friend of Valkyr. Sensei did not talk much so I still did not know why he had accepted someone broken like me into the monastery. Accept me he did, there were no real rules or expectations of me here.

I had spent the majority of the first year trying to learn the language and stop feeling like my skin didn’t fit me properly. Not sure if it was the lack of alcohol, smokes, my deformed legs or simply who I am. The constant fear of Turning did not help either. Sensei was patient with me and would chide me kindly to slow down, to not hate myself.

 It was hard to accept what he said though, that what I had was a gift. That I had been brought into this world free and clear according to him to remake myself in whatever image I wanted. He did not know the anchor-like feeling that you were just a pale copy of someone else.

I could feel the bile rise in my throat as I thought of Levi Prime and his smirking face as he told me I would be back. So sure in his knowledge that I would crawl back to him, yes master, here is the information you were after master. Please kill me master. That was another of the greatest hits that would wake me screaming at night along with the snap of my bones.

The night terrors were worse at the beginning from lack of drink, thankfully they were a rare occurrence now.

Fighting down the bile and hatred, I heard Sensei in my mind “Let it flow through you, you are no plaything. You are your own man. You do not have to follow in his footsteps, you do not have to follow your Mission. Breathe Yuudai-San.”

Yuudai-San. That is what I had become known as here. Sensei had given me the name as a way to begin anew. No one called me Levi or Seeker here. I did not leave the Temple much as heading into town made me jump at shadows, expecting to find another Levi around every corner.

Breathe.

Such a simple idea, so hard to execute when you constantly feel the chain around your neck.

“The mountain air pissing you off Seeker?” The strong voice of Valkyr disrupts the shamisen and my reverie.

“Valkyr!” I exclaim as I turn to see him striding towards me. His 7 ft frame in a dark suit, immaculately tailored.

A rush of complicated emotions hit me in the gut all at the same time.

Relief. Guilt. Love. Pain.

Valkyr stood there and watched it all flow over me. Slowly he tilted his head “Although, should I still be calling you Seeker now?”

That brought me back. I levered myself off the ground like an old man. I still did not quite trust my legs even after all these years. I went to shake his hand but my body moved by itself and I was suddenly hugging him as hard as I could.

I felt the tension in his body, the nervousness that he had been hiding behind the expensive suit and bravado. I refused to let go. It took a few heartbeats before I felt him relax and slide his arms around me.

The comfort I felt was unlike anything else. I did not want this to end.

Finally I forced myself to let him go and stepped back. “No, not Seeker. Not any more. Here I go by Yuudai-San.”

Valkyr nodded slowly “It fits you. Yuudai-Kun.”

Not hearing the word Seeker from his mouth was an incredible release. I cast about myself, this was not the place to be having a reunion I had been looking forward to for years now.

“Come Valkyr, I have a room here. I have so much I want to talk to you about.”

Valkyr watched me and started to smile. “Of course, I want to hear about it all.”