“YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE, HUMAN. WHY DO YOU CROSS MY DOMAIN?”

“I was on the way to the kitchen for a snack and got lost….”

“YOU ENDED UP IN THE TWELFTH PLANE OF TORMENT ON YOUR WAY TO THE KITCHEN?”

“Yeah, I’m not a clever man.”

Brogular, Lord of Cinders, Ruler of Misery, Herald of the Claw and Fang stared at the human. He had a slightly bemused look on his face, vaguely interested in the hellscape that presented itself to him. The pyjamas with llama’s drinking tea and dancing did clash with the fire and brimstone surrounding him.

“WHAT KIND OF SNACK?” Brogular asked, lava and black bile dripping from his cavernous mouth.

The man looked around at the tortured souls screaming in agony. He started to hop from foot to foot.

“Don’t know. Was just going to check the fridge. I think I still had some pizza left over.” His eyes brightened “Ohh I think there might be half a can of sweetened condensed milk left!”

He kept hopping from side to side.

“Its a bit hot in here. Don’t you run the air conditioning? I mean, I try not to. Too expensive these days. But sometimes you got to treat yourself, know what I mean?”

“WHAT IS THIS, SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK YOU SPEAK OF?” Brogular growled while clutching the flesh and bone monstrosity that was his Throne of Black Lies. Brogular felt like he was really missing something here. Souls showed up, he tortured them. Simple job. He had been doing it since the first fish flopped its way onto the ground and managed to think to itself “huh, maybe growing some stump things to push myself along with would help. Wait, who is myself? I am myself!”

That fish thing was still around here somewhere, first soul to ever enter the world and boy did he get up to some evil.

“Ohh mate, its the best!” The little man exclaimed “You can eat it straight from the can, add it to some coffee and ice on a hot day….” The man trailed off in happy memories before continuing. “I’ll share it with you when I find it…” The pajama’ed man looked about a bit more “You don’t know which way to the kitchen do you? I have been walking for a while now.”

“I DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOUR KITCHEN IS SMALL HUMAN.” Brogular was starting to worry. Who was this person, was this a test? A joke? Was Throtzul the Unclean going to appear in a cloud of cheap deodorant and dubstep, claiming that Brogular got ‘pranked’? He would never hear the end of it if that happened, he still had not lived down the whole Lucifer, Fallen Angel thing. Brogular was one of the fundamental constants of the universe. He was not a tortured Angel with a six pack and a bad haircut.

Maybe he should just torture this Human. That had worked for him so far. Kill him first then torture him? Brogular drummed his claws on the chair, eliciting fresh screams from the humans entwined in the mass. Then again, this condensed milk sounded interesting.

Brogular was brought back to present by a surprised sound. The human had wandered off and somehow had managed to ignite his llama pyjamas. With a wave of his scaled arm Brogular extinguished the flames.

“STAY A WHILE SMALL HUMAN.” He clicked his boned claws together and with a burst of sound and light a fat creature with small wings impossibly keeping it hovering at eye height appeared.

“Yes Master?” The flying blob of flesh and open sores lisped.

“YUNAN, I REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. I REQUEST YOU BRING WITH ALL HASTE SOME…” Brogular trailed off and looked over the the small human questioningly.

The man perked up, his face alighting with a happy smile “Sweetened Condensed Milk!”

“YES, BRING US SOME SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK YUNAN.”

Yunan, bobbed in place for a moment, looking between his master on the Throne of Black Lies and the human with the singed clothes and happy look. “As you wish o Lord.” He vanished.

“COME SMALL HUMAN. STAY A WHILE, LET US TALK.” Brogular thundered.