I tried to sleep, I had been for hours now. When my mother had died, well, she was old and had cancer so it was easier to deal with. I had time to process what was coming. It was not a sudden thing, it was a long slow death.

When my father died, he had always been aloof from my life, occasionally checking in to see how I was travelling and giving well meaning but useless advice. My main memory of him was the monthly phone call and the “we should catch up some time” which of course didn’t happen. So when he was gone it took a long time for me to actually realise he was dead.

Flash had been with me since a puppy. She was my daily companion; my lovable, goofy, rock. Welcoming me home if I had been away for a day or five minutes with the level of love that only Labradors can give. She kept me healthy as I walked her every day or she would go crazy in the house. If she did not get walk at the usual time she would try to hold in the crazy but she would just wiggle more and more until she burst. She would sprint madly around the house to get my attention. Or she would go the simple route of sneaking into my room and stealing socks until I gave in.

Trying to sleep in the now empty bed, it felt huge. The warm, slightly smelly mound of fur and love was missing from the bottom of the bed. The absence a constant wound. She had died lying on the floor with me in her favourite spot. The rug under my desk near the computer. She was old and had been slowing down for months now, the vet had said it could happen any day. The heat from the computer and other electronics was enough to ease her joints and she could lay there for hours keeping me company while I worked. A soft furry foot rest. She was not in much pain as she got injections to try and deal with it but on the final day I had just known.

I spoiled her with steak for dinner, gently played with her favourite toys and cuddling on the floor for hours until her snuffling got softer and softer.

Then it stopped.

I didn’t cry, I had learned that from my father. I don’t know how long I lay there but her body became cold while I held her.

I spaced out. I knew I should have contacted the vet to come and collect her body but I couldn’t do it. I held Flash tight against my body to hold in the tears. I must have slept at some point but I think I just passed out on the rug under the desk.

I eventually surfaced and let go of the now cold body of Flash. She looked so peaceful and happy, I was glad that she would no longer struggle to get up and down the stairs, that she would no longer limp for a whole day if she got too excited and ran at the dog park.

I had crawled into the empty bed. Sleep eluded me. I lay there what felt like hours trying to grieve. Trying to sleep.

click click

The sound of Flash’s nails on the wooden floor drew me mostly awake and I smiled. She was coming to bed finally.

Wait.

I froze. The clicking grew louder, the nails getting closer to the bed. Was I dreaming, had my grief stricken mind conjured up a hallucination of my now dead dog walking towards the bed. No light in the room so I couldn’t see. What was I supposed to do? Call out?

There was the familiar “wump” of a large dog lumbering onto the bed at my feet. A soft “wuff” of air as she settled down. It had to be a dream, if so it was not one I wanted to ever wake up from. The smell of a Labrador reached my nose in the dream and I sighed contentedly.

I awoke with a start. The light was trying to break through the curtains and softly illuminated the room. The first thought of the morning reached me and I almost cried. Flash was gone. The dream had been so real I could still feel her weight pressed against my legs.

Could still feel the weight.

I sat upright and was rewarded with the “thump thump thump” of a happy tail slapping the bed as Flash looked at me as she had done for so many years. The patient look of a dog that had been awake for an hour but knew she had to wait for her human to wake up before play time. Her face split into a happy doggy grin and her tail slapped faster against the bed.

I must be losing my mind but I don’t care.

My girl was back.

———————

Human awake. Play time. Human was sad. So sad. Everything went cold. Met man made of bones. Tried to eat bones. Man laughed and stopped me. I sat. Waited. My human showed me to be good. I am good. Good dog. Bone man said I was good dog. Bone man asked who was Good Girl. Human told me I was Good Girl. Many times.

I am Good Girl.

Bone man showed me land of meat and grass and dogs and many many butts.

Bone man showed me my Human. Sad Human.

Ignore land of meat. My Human needs me for a bit more.

I sit and wait. Bone man gives me pats. I am not cold. I can run. No pain. Go to my Human.

I am Good Girl.